PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
You will become an artist of Reddi-Wip and strawberry puree today. Your canvas, however will make it slightly difficult for you to concentrate on what you're doing.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Time to ponder a few age old questions, such as: If Miss Piggy loses her voice, does she have a frog in her throat?
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Design a T-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with the arrow pointing straight up.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Support a woman's right to choose...saline or silicone...
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Remember only forest fires prevent bears wearing hats.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Time to ponder a few age old questions, such as: Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
It's okay to have sex at 90…just don't do it while on a Harley…
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
You will buy a dress for your wife, but can't remember her size. Lucky for you, someone will come in that's built just like her. Walk up to that person and say: "Excuse me, sir, what size are you?"
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
If you're naughty, do it with whipped cream.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Never patronize a butcher shop that has a horseshoe hanging over the door.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
I think it's time to worry. If you get any more credit cards, you'll have a full deck.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
A trusted friend may give you sage advice. Ask her nicely, and she'll also point you to the freshest basil, thyme, and oregano.
